Want to know if you're a people-pleaser? Take this short quiz.
1. I put other people’s needs and wants ahead of my own and feel as if I come last.
2. I say yes based on feeling guilty, afraid, obliged, or anxious.
3. I have little or no time for myself, whether it’s for my priorities, enjoyment, or self-care, but I know how to take care of and make time for everyone else.
4. I’ve missed out on things I genuinely want to do because I said yes to something I shouldn’t have or didn’t want to do.
5. I put more importance on other people’s feelings than on my own. I prioritize everyone else’s needs no matter how it affects me.
6. I find it hard to set boundaries with some people.
7. I worry that my success, happiness, or personal growth will outshine others or cause them to feel unhappy, left out, or abandoned, and often downplay my achievements.
8. I forgive those who hurt me out of fear of losing relationships, even when it still hurts.
9. I worry about not being liked, getting into trouble, hurting feelings, looking like a “bad” or
“selfish” person, or being rejected, abandoned, or alienated if I say no, express needs, have limits, or am honest.
10. Whenever I sense that someone disagrees with my point of view, I tend to soften my position. Whenever my friends complain about something, I tend to express my agreement with their point of view even if I secretly think they're wrong.
If you answered yes to more than half of the questions, then you have people pleasing tendencies – but even if you answered yes to just one of these questions, it’s good to know how to set boundaries and make time for your own priorities.
Here’s some common pitfalls and tips for people-pleasers:
It isn’t always a problem to help family and friends – but it becomes an issue when their needs start to take precedent over yours. If you go out of your way to help others, make sure you are also making time for your own needs, wants, and self-care. Be kind to yourself and replace self-criticism with loving and understanding thoughts. Schedule a time in the day that you spend doing something you want to do, and treat it like a non-negotiable appointment.
When you spend all your time caring for others, you may begin to resent other people for not putting as much effort into the way that they treat you. It’s important to remember that you need to express your feelings and needs to others so that they can help you. You may think that by staying silent, you are keeping the peace – but it is actually detrimental to both you and your relationships if you are not honest about the cost of the work you do for others.
Many people-pleasers tend to take on more than they can handle to try to make everyone happy. This can stem from low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or a sense of perfectionism. One tip can be to get yourself into the habit of asking yourself how you feel about a request before agreeing to do anything. Once you’ve properly assessed the situation and how it will affect you, it’s easier to refuse requests that you don’t have the time or bandwidth for.
In the same vein, a lot of people-pleasers struggle with setting boundaries. A first step towards changing that behavior is deciding what you’re comfortable with and willing to do. From there, practice enforcing your boundaries and saying the word ‘no’ in low stakes situations. Although it may cause you some initial discomfort, it will become less challenging with practice. If this resonates with you, schedule a free consultation to go over your results and get support on making this change.
As always, I'm here to help,
Lourdes
@lourdes_laifer
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