You may often hear the terms ‘self-confidence’ and ‘self-love’ used interchangeably – however, they’re very different concepts when it matters!
Self-Confidence versus Self-Love
While both are important aspects in the realm of well-being, there are a few main differences that are important to note.
Self-Confidence | Self-Love |
Self-assertive, being able to express your opinions and share your talents | Self-care, self-compassion, being able to recognize and take care of your needs |
Focused on what you express outwardly | Focused on inner feelings and emotions |
Believing in yourself and what you can accomplish | Learning to appreciate strengths and accept weaknesses |
Fluctuating, affected by both internal and external factors such as success, failure, praise, or criticism | Stable, only affected by internal factors such as negative self-talk or rumination |
Affects specific areas of your life, like social, physical, sexual | Affects all aspects of your life as it relates to your being |
However, despite all these differences, self-confidence and self-love are intrinsically linked in the journey to wellness. Having self-confidence will help you develop more self-love, and practicing self-love will, in turn, boost your self-confidence. They are dually important for leading a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. Schedule a call to start a positive cycle of increasing self-confidence and self-love!
Contents include:
Improving Self-Love
What Diminishes Self-Love?
Avoiding Negative Self-Talk
Ruminating: Common Triggers & How To Stop
Developing Healthy Coping Skills
Improving Self-Love
Self-love is an important part of wellness. It’s the foundation for healthy relationships with others as well as the key to appreciating and accepting who you are. However, it may be hard to start improving your self-love if you don’t know where to start. Here are a few ways that I practice self-love:
Practice self-care: Taking care of your basic needs is more important than people realize. You will love yourself more when you eat well, exercise regularly, and sleep enough. Engaging in healthy social interactions is also a form of self-care – make sure that your relationships are bolstering you, not bringing you down!
Treat yourself with kindness: Try taking a step back – treat yourself with the same level of support and compassion that you would for a good friend. Focus on the things you like about yourself rather than engaging in self-criticism. Remember that self-love isn’t selfish – by treating yourself well, you’re in a better place to engage in healthy relationships with others.
Employ hopeful statements: Flip those negative statements upside down! Instead of saying “I can’t do this”, try saying “I can do this if I try harder and ask for help”. Focus on the upside of the situation instead of getting bogged down by negative thoughts and beliefs.
Embrace your imperfections: Everyone has flaws – it’s simply a part of being human. It’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s often helpful to use them as a teaching moment for yourself. Learn from what goes wrong and use it to grow as a person.
Forgive yourself: Let go of negative feelings like guilt, resentment, or shame. Accept what happened and let the past lay in the past. Don’t let it hold you back from changing and improving in the present and the future.
Express gratitude: Remind yourself of the things and people in your life that you are thankful for. Acknowledge opportunities granted and favors that others have done for you. Start an every day practice of saying out loud or writing down what you’re grateful for.
Try out self-love exercises: There are many self-love activities you can engage in, but my favorites are meditation, daily affirmations, visualizations, and keeping a gratitude journal.
What Diminishes Self-Love?
There are many types of behaviors and issues that can cause your self-love to be diminished.
Brooding: Focusing on sad memories or pessimistic thoughts can make you feel depressed, hopeless, and unworthy of love. It’s hard to practice self-love when you’re stuck in such a dark place.
Low levels of resilience: Resilience helps you cope with change, hardships, and stress, so when you have low resilience, it makes it difficult for you to bounce back from challenges and setbacks.
Maladaptive coping mechanisms: These are unhealthy ways of handling your problems, such as avoidance, overworking, self-harm, or substance abuse. They often harm your physical and mental health and prevent you from finding a healthier, more positive answer.
Mental health conditions: Having a mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, or trauma can affect your behaviors, thoughts, and mood – which can, in turn, impede your ability to practice self-love and connect with others.
Negative self-talk: Engaging in self-criticism lowers your confidence, happiness, and self-esteem. When you practice negative self-talk, it’s all too easy to focus on your mistakes and flaws instead of your strengths and successes.
Rumination: When you obsess over something again and again, it can only increase your anxiety and stress. Once you get stuck in a cycle of rumination, it can make you dwell on the past, overthink situations, and worry about the future.
Avoiding Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk only serves to lower your confidence, self-love, and self-esteem. Here’s an exercise I like to do to stop a cycle of negative self-talk.
1) Recognize your negative thoughts.
Write down what comes to mind and how each thought makes you feel.
2) Rate your negative thoughts.
Are your thoughts based on facts or feelings? Are they helpful or harmful? Are they exaggerated or exact? Would you say these things to a friend, or are you being unnecessarily harsh to yourself?
3) Replace your negative thoughts.
Change your thoughts from negative to positive. Turn “I can’t do anything right” into “I can learn from my mistakes”, making sure to focus on your strengths rather than your fears.
4) Repeat positive self-talk.
Practice saying your new positive thoughts to yourself. You can write them down, speak them in your head, record them for later listening, and say them in front of a mirror. The more you actively repeat them to yourself, the easier it will be to believe in yourself and form a healthy habit.
Ruminating: Common Triggers & How To Stop
Ruminating is the unhealthy habit of thinking repeatedly about past events or problems without seeking to find a solution or being able to move on. Some common triggers of ruminating include:
Dealing with perfectionism or low-self esteem
Having a relationship with parents, friends, or a partner who is overly controlling or ruminating
Specific stressors: being fired, a health issue, a breakup
Traumatic events: an accident, a loss, witnessing/experiencing violence
Stressful events: a final exam, an important speech, a difficult conversation
Early childhood adversity like abuse or neglect
Difficult life conditions like poverty or chronic illness
Facing a fear or phobia
Everyone’s reason for ruminating is different based on their lived experiences, circumstances, and personality – but the most important thing is learning to recognize when you are ruminating, what your trigger was, and then focusing on strategies to stop ruminating.
When you notice that you are starting to get stuck in a cycle of rumination, take action. Find something to distract yourself in the moment, like watching a movie, hanging out with a friend, or picking up one of your hobbies. You can also try to tackle the problem and come up with a working situation or a healthy way to cope. Lastly, try centering yourself in the present by practicing mindfulness. Pay attention to your senses, take some deep breaths, and separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings.
Developing Healthy Coping Skills
Healthy coping skills are strategies to help you deal with your emotions, stressors, and problems in a positive way. Developing healthy coping skills can help increase both your self-confidence and self-love, as well as boost your mental health and overall well-being. There are skills you can develop yourself, and there are others that a doctor, counselor, or coach can help you develop.
Some easier examples include:
Doing some form of physical activity
Participating in your hobbies and interests
Spending time with friends for support
Learning new skills
Engaging in humor
Volunteering or donating
Skills that people may struggle to achieve on their own include:
Expressing your feelings, needs, and thoughts
Setting achievable goals
Exercising relaxation techniques
Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones
Practicing active gratitude
I’ve helped numerous clients overcome these struggles and develop the skills to face challenges in the future.
As always, I'm here to help,
Lourdes
@lourdes_laifer
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